(no subject)

[nowiammyself]

last night i tossed and turned in the bed of an almost stranger. someone i met a little over a week ago slept soundly beside me. if his snoring weren’t keeping me awake, if him rolling onto his side and stealing the blanket from me weren’t keeping me awake, the soft orange glow seeping from the streetlight outside the window, the scratchy sheets i’m lying on, and the altogether unfamiliar room i’m in would all keep me awake.

i tossed and turned for hours. 4 hours, to be more precise. i looked at the man next to me and i thought about stroking his skin or scooting closer and wrapping my arm around him, but i didn’t, because he is a mostly a stranger and touching him feels too intimate. nonetheless i was wearing his t-shirt and lying in his bed, my mouth still tasting of last night’s white wine. everything we have done so far is intimate, but a touch while he is sleeping feels like too much.

being intimate without intimacy is something that i don’t like, but here i am doing it anyway.

i wonder if i am self-sabotaging. i wonder if i am compensating for something. i wonder if i’m just lonely. i wonder about the combination of factors that led me to this bed.

i like the kissing more than anything else. actually, i like him slowly dragging his fingertips across my legs, back and forth, tickling me lightly. i like that the most.

he touches the parts of me that i keep hidden and locked away. it feels good, but i can’t help but think i don’t want to be giving these parts of me to someone who hasn’t earned it, to someone who isn’t going to protect it. but i do it anyway because i want to be touched.

it feels good until it doesn’t. he touches me and touches and touches me and i don’t get off. i feel an immense pressure. i worry i am taking too long. i worry he’s tired and thinking that i am taking too long. he tells me relax, don’t worry, enjoy, but i don’t relax and i worry and i can’t fully enjoy.

how do i relax in the presence of someone who is essentially a stranger?

i think back to the times that i have enjoyed sex, and i enjoy sex when i have strong feelings, strong attachment, love or at least the illusion of it.

right now i don’t have any of that. we have had dinner. we have had drinks. we have had banter and flirting. but how much can you really know someone in a week? you can’t. i haven’t even had time to properly yearn, to properly burn, to be flush with desire.

he’s touching me and i don’t feel connected to the moment or connected with him. i feel desire for connection, for intimacy, for sex, but the prerequisites aren’t there.

earlier we were having drinks on the street under a lamppost. the cool night breeze swirled around us. he sat back in his chair, coolly smoking, looking unbothered and relaxed and i felt pangs of attraction. i wanted to kiss him there, to taste the tobacco on his tongue, although smoking normally disgusts me, but i refrained. when we kissed later he had already brushed his teeth. i inhaled his minty breath through my mouth.

this is happening too fast, although i did nothing to slow it down. i may have even accelerated it. he tells me he doesn’t want a serious relationship right now and i think, i don’t either, not right now, not so soon.

i laid in his bed pressed against his side, his arm around me holding me close to him. he showed me pictures of his country, his home, his family. he told me where i need to go there, where i need to avoid. i said i want to go there one day, i really do. he didn’t say he will take me. i didn’t ask him if he will.

we both know this won’t last. but when will it end? how will it end? i brace myself for the inevitable impact, when we reach the dead end and the car crashes against a brick wall. i wonder if this will hurt. i try to convince myself it won’t. i won’t let it hurt.

intimacy without intimacy. we’ve seen each other without clothes but we don’t know much about each other. he says this is the first time he has done any of this since his last relationship ended, and i feel some sort of way. is this significant for him?

i can feel it in my body that this isn’t right, that this isn’t how i want it, but it feels too good to be snuggled up next to someone. it feels too good to be held, to lace my fingers with someone else’s, to kiss goodbye, as if any of this means anything.

does it always have to mean something? for me, yes. i can’t just enjoy the moment for what it is, because what is it? two strangers seeking refuge in each other for a brief moment? i want meaning. i crave meaning. i can’t just conjure meaning, making something out of nothing, like i have done in the past.

i’ll take it for what it is, but what is it? we are two strangers crawling into each other’s beds.