(no subject)
Feb. 9th, 2024 02:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nowiammyselfyesterday a fifteen year old wearing a black wifebeater and baggy gray sweatpants, starry eyes filled with dreams of infinite futures, asked me what i wanted to be when i was a teenager. i am sitting on a bus, but i am sitting beneath the fruitless branches of a fig tree, rotten shriveled up blackened figs all around me. "nothing." the answer is nothing.
i have never wanted to be anything. life's endless possibilities have never seemed real to me. they exist the way tokyo exists - i know it's there, it's been described to me, i know people who have gone and smelled and tasted and heard, but to me it only exists in the abstract and i don't know how or why i would ever be there. all these endless possibilities and i see no road, no path, connecting me to them, and so i sit in the same spot and watch the weeds grow into thick forests - oaks and pines and walnuts and red cedars stretching their limbs towards the sky, blocking out the sun and i sit in darkness on the moist forest floor.
what did i want to be who did i want to be what do i want to do who am i where am i going why am i here? i don't know. i've never known.
i go from one place to the next looking for something that feels right, but no matter where i go, i am there with me. i feel the isolation and as loneliness as i always have, my constant companions who, sometimes, i manage to block out momentarily but eventually they creep back. nothing ever feels right.
i have never wanted to be anything. life's endless possibilities have never seemed real to me. they exist the way tokyo exists - i know it's there, it's been described to me, i know people who have gone and smelled and tasted and heard, but to me it only exists in the abstract and i don't know how or why i would ever be there. all these endless possibilities and i see no road, no path, connecting me to them, and so i sit in the same spot and watch the weeds grow into thick forests - oaks and pines and walnuts and red cedars stretching their limbs towards the sky, blocking out the sun and i sit in darkness on the moist forest floor.
what did i want to be who did i want to be what do i want to do who am i where am i going why am i here? i don't know. i've never known.
i go from one place to the next looking for something that feels right, but no matter where i go, i am there with me. i feel the isolation and as loneliness as i always have, my constant companions who, sometimes, i manage to block out momentarily but eventually they creep back. nothing ever feels right.
